I'm just sitting trying to remember how shitty last year was. It was the worst year of my entire life. I will never forget how much misery I was in. It was to the extend that even the whole world could see how depress I was. yeah I love my friends to bits but sometimes even they're not there for you no matter how awesome they are. Thinking back, I've made it this far. I've been through all that shit alone. Most of the hardest part, I've been through alone. Sometimes thinking back about the times I've sat here crying my eyes out. Almost screaming, makes me realize that I got through it myself. I should be proud. Proud of myself. Proud of how much stronger I've gotten in life. Ive made it through it all last year. The neglect, the loneliness, the lost, the stress. Yes there are times when I couldn't take it anymore. I remember those times clearly. I sat in the canteen with my girls, I started talking as per normal, and then suddenly I stopped. I fucking started to cry. I didn't even know what happen. I just started to cry. That's just how much I couldn't take it anymore. Three days straight. It happened three days straight. That was my most lowest point of life ever. I could remember it so clearly. I lay my head, in the canteen, on the table, people walked pass as I cried. I cried staring at him. I cried thinking. I cried about everything. And he just watched me. He saw me, he glanced for 5 seconds,he ignored. The feeling of not wanting to get up from that table when the bell rang was like asdfghjkl. It was so fucked up. I remember sitting in the back of hall. Tiffany turned around and told me come over there. I couldn't even respond to that. She must have been the only one smart enough to figure out how much I needed someone at that moment. She walked to the back. And just watching her walked towards me, I fucking cried. And when she held me, with people from different classes looking at me asking if I was alright... God. 

Thinking back about the times I've cried in the music room store room alone. Literally lying on the ground, hugging myself and crying. Just wanted to crawl into a hole and hide forever. I remembered when I had to play the symbols and it was the major part of the songs and instead of the usual bang, it was like a shatter. I remembered when what seems like the whole room stopped and went silent and everyone's eyes was on me. Kika and the rest referred it as me literally going through a depression. I was so alone. Imagine. I had no one going to school. Everyone I look up to for help wasn't there. My girls were always with art. Tiffany and her boyfriend. Hadi and his ego and friends. I went to school. End up leaving class every fifteen minutes. Ending up leaving before even recess. Came home to see datuk. Or sometimes go out to study alone then heading to SGH at outram to see him. Imagine the fucked up-ness when the times I've tried so hard to rush down there and it ended up that I was 2 minutes late and I couldn't see him anymore and when I texted my friends for comfort, no one was there. When even my boyfriend said "HAHA SORRY CANT GAMING". God, how did I manage. How did that girl manage to go through all that. One thing I've learnt is that, it doesn't gets easier, and that everyone changes, everyone WILL leave. EVERYONE. No matter what they say, they will leave. I've built a wall once, that whoever wants to leave, just leave. I could take it. Now I realize that it was quite sometime ago. My walls have been broken down. It wasn't so built anymore is it Aryati? 

Thinking about how fucked up everything is sometimes just makes me fucking sad right now. Comparing this year and last year, what a change. The fucked up level is almost the same but oh just how much things changed. I just don't know if I'm doing the right things this time. I've made so many mistakes. I'm only human. yes, everyone is. I just don't know if I'm doing it right. I'm tired, I'm tired of being wrong. I don't wanna crash and burn again. I can't. I'm tired. Fucking tired. Something's always not right with me. Something's always doesn't feel right. I don't even hais. Thinking back about how much I loved bands reminded me about all these times when I only had bands to help make life better. I've tried God. I'm doing my best. I'm trying to do my best. It seems that my best has always been wrong. I just don't know what to do anymore sometimes. I just hope this time I don't end up sitting in this very stop crying my heart out begging and begging for God to take the pain away. Trust me, it was the worst experience of my life. Didn't think I was one of those people who would have felt that way. Don't people who have never felt it, I hope they continue to lead a happy and wonderful life. How am I suppose to be everything they expect me to be, when I feel so alone.  So God, give me the strength to do what you've created me to do. Be strong, be strong for me.